I swear they "seem" normal

Week 1: 1^st date attempt – cocky guy

So boy suggests an 8pm Tuesday date. Sounds good.

Date day. Late afternoon I finally have the chance to put down my work bb and check my personal bb. Many many new messages greet me.

Boy text #1: “hey so u said 5-5:30 might be better for u. If I’m running a bit late I’ll let u know.”

Hmmmmm no. As “I” never said that I’m going assume that he is confusing me with another girl. Two dates in the same night. Well that’s ambitious.

Two hours later he “attempts” to back pedal: “for some reason I think one of ur messages is missing from my phone”.  Well that’s convenient. And highly unlikely. This is then followed by a series of 6 texts over the next 30 minutes.

Boy text point finale: “if I don’t hear back from u soon I’ll assume we’re not going out.”  An ultimatum. Just what every girl wants to hear 3 days after meeting someone. For the record it is Tuesday. I am at work. Working. I don’t always have the time to check my personal bb. Reasonable non? No date.

Week 2: 1^st date attempt – clingy guy

This text 4 days after meeting sets the stage: “wow no text for me do I have to text u first everyday”. I understand. I mean, we have known each other for 4 days. We’ve never had a date. Never had a real convo. Shit is getting serious. Obviously I’ve neglected our blossoming relationship. And puhleeez stop asking me for pics. Frankly it’s creeping me out thinking what you are doing with them. A few days later: “I will not continue to text u if really want to get to know me u will start texting me or call me”. Huh. Fair. No date.

So two ultimatums in two weeks. From virtual strangers. Is it me? Am I emotionally unavailable? So here’s the dilemma. If a girl texts too much, she’s needy and men run for the hills real fast. If a girl doesn’t text enough, she’s not interested and doesn’t care. Huh.

Don't call me maybe at 3am

First some context. So I have this ex. We broke-up when he moved to further his career. As he is a recurring character, lets call him Finance Guy. Inevitably, he comes home once a month to see his family and friends. Long story short. I have attempted over many years, not months, YEARS, to get him to understand that booty calling me at 2:30am every month a) doesn’t constitute a “visit”, b) is not a relationship and c) really pisses me off. See me during normal people hours and then maybe, just maybe, I will want to see you at 2am buddy. Seriously, this is not a difficult concept. What he has yet to grasp is the longer the booty calls continue the more resolved I grow not to see him. I’m not the type to be worn down. Anyways. What follows is an approximate transcript of one of our recent bbm convos. You’ll get the drift. He did not. Again. Years. Like years I tell you.

Boy 2:25am: are u out?

Girl 2:26am: no, not tonight

2:27: i wanna see u

        come get me

2:28: we’ve talked about this.

2:29: i wanna see u

        come get me

(sigh obviously drunk. It’s like the groundhog day of booty calls. This is usually the point when I get annoyed. He’s kinda bossy no? I WAS sleeping quite nicely. Thank you)

2:30: come get me

         call me

         c'mon u know i love uu

         come get me

         call me

(so this is new. Pulling out the big guns. Damn him. I start to soften). I call him. No answer. Probably because he is sending me another message. I leave a vm.

2:32: come get me

         I love u

2:34: call me

        I love u

2:35: call me

On and on until I eventually fall asleep. He never did call. This will be an interesting convo when he sobers up tomorrow. Seems he is very interested in a loving relationship between the hours of 2 and 5am only. Until next visit Finance Guy.

If he builds it... well...

A few dates in with a hot former Army man we go out for beers and wings which escalates into shots and some very bad karaoke on both our parts. Why I always think I know all of the words to Hotel California I’ll never know. Anyways. Everything is just clicking. Sparks are flying. There’s magic in the air etc. (insert any cliché here). So much so he turns to me and says very seriously: “is this a date? Because I don’t go on dates. (dramatic pause) This is a pretty amazing date”. Agreed.

He walks me to my car. There’s a chill in the air. Not another soul around but us. We pause in an embrace. He glances at my hand as I jingle the keys: “you know what that means don’t you?” he says (of course, I’ve seen Hitch). I laugh. “Say it,” he says. But before I can he is kissing me. Very romantic comedy. That is until a homeless man interrupts us asking for change. “You’ve got to be kidding me!” We laugh.

...And so we are at my place. He asks what’s in the dusty boxes pilled in the living room. I tell him they are my future IKEA TV stand (lets not talk about how long they were there). “Let’s build it!” he says enthusiastically (now he has joined the ranks of a very long line of men who never fulfilled their promise to help me build the TV stand. This includes my father). I tell him no worries, but he is insistent that it will be fun. So we spend the next 6 hours and a few more the next morning clutching an allen key and trying to decipher the directions of a Swedish stick man with no words. I am literally floored when I finally see my TV at eye level. I thank him, okay I gush profusely. He waves off my thanks insisting it was fun. Best. Date. Ever.

...And then I never hear from him again. Ever.

As my friend so accurately stated: “I wouldn’t build a TV stand for someone I didn’t like”. Hell, I’d be hard pressed to build one for someone I do like. Is this the basic difference between men and women? Men can act like you have a future together, get all comfy in your house, drink your tea, sleep in your bed and walk away without a thought? Disappear into the mist without a teeny tiny twinge of guilt?

Is it truly a leap of faith every time we take what a boy is saying at face value? Will Smith did not warn us of this. Rant over.

I like to think of my TV stand as a date parting gift. A take-away. A consolation prize. Really not all that bad.

Aye papi!!

So I’m out salsa dancing one night. I end up dancing the night away with a guy who was unanimously declared to be the “hottest guy in the club” and a helluva little dancer. So I didn’t hesitate the next weekend when he asked me out dancing. If nothing else I’ll get some good cardio. Win win really. Very gentleman-like he gives me a call before the date.

Boy: “I have a surprise for you!” he says excitedly.

Girl: “Really? Wow that’s so nice. I can’t wait.”

Boy: “you’re REALLY going to love it. It’s a surprise.”

So in my head I’m thinking flowers, candy, something small. I mean we just met. Nice gesture. Unexpected. I smile.

Fast forward to that night in line for coat check.

Boy: “do you want your surprise?” he’s smiling like the Cheshire cat.

Girl: “of course.” By now I’m pretty damn curious, and have consulted all my friends as to what it could be.

He reaches in his coat and pulls out a manila envelope. Hmmmm... that’s odd. Definitely not flowers.

Boy: “you’re going to REALLY love it!”

So I reach in and slowly pull out a photo. Puzzling. Then... I see my surprise.. Specifically, it’s an 8/10 glossy photo of my first date in a teeny tiny red speedo all greased-up and shiny flexing in a body building pose. I blush. My mind is literally blank. Shock and awe has new meaning. Shove it back into the envelope. We have an audience.

Boy: `do you like your surprise!?” he says excitedly and expectantly.

Shit. I’ve got to say something here. Wtf do you say when your first date gives you a glamour shot? This is weird right? Girl: ``ummm.. yes it`s great. Great photo.”

No doubt the man was seriously buff. Like yikes. He had a right to be proud. Just tooooo much. Tooooo soon.

That WAS a surprise.

Treat me like a lady. I'll treat you like a man.

Please refer to “Muppet not a man” post for context. Just makes this date all the more ridiculous.

Scene: Same theatre. Same pay machine. First date. Two tickets have been selected and the $20 total is on the screen. No one makes a move. Blank staring at the total. Not looking at each other. No moves for wallet or purse. Silence. Then awkward silence. Serious déjà vu here.

Girl: “so.... are we going to pay?”

Boy: “well ummm... (clearing of throat) uhhhh... sometimes I guess, sometimes I treat, but uhh well... (more clearing of throat and obvious forced awkward slow motion move to remove wallet).

Girl: “ we’ll split it,” said flatly while hitting the cancel button. No male protesting. Thought. Seems to me that the FIRST DATE would be the time to treat? Startegic even no? Why punch in two tickets? Obviously one total implies one payer.

Benefit of the doubt. Maybe he’s broke, and that was his absolute last $10. He’d scrapped together all the change in the sofa cushions because he really wanted to see me. That theory goes out the window as I watch him spend $30 on various junk foods for himself. “I’m soooo hungry. You’re not hungry are you?” Really?

And mid-movie...

Boy: “Any frozen yogurt left?”

Girl: “Nope, you ate it.” Yeah, I ate it. It only seemed fair really.

And post-movie...

Boy: “so it’s early, I can go to your place.”

Girl: “no thanks.”

Boy: “you like sleeping alone, don’t you.”

Girl: “I do.” Can you believe this guy?

PS. just read this article when I got home from the date. Alone. This passage seemed topical: “..perhaps there are qualities of the old-fashioned manly man to be salvaged. Chivalry, courage, strength, generosity, protectiveness and decisiveness”.

Maybe next year I'll just watch a scary movie...

Ahhhh Halloween weekend... when alcohol, a looming full moon and girls dressed as sexy somethings combine for the perfect storm for drama and, well, embarrassment. Not exactly my normal kinda blog, but there were some moments that just had to be recorded for prosperity.

Notable pick-up lines were flying like bats in a dark cave. None actually were successful, but I appreciate the balls it takes to deliver these lines and the laugh I have about them later.

Boy approaches. “Do I look like a drug dealer?” Me: “uhhh.. no I guess not” (what the hell does a drug dealer look like? Honestly). “Cuz some guy just asked blah blah..”. I’m already walking away at this point. Not sure what his end game was there. Next.

“Hi, you’re Christine right?” as he reaches forward and shakes my hand. Me: “no, sorry wrong girl.” Him: “I’m sorry you look just like a girl I know. What is your name?” Nicely played.

And apparently my search is over.. “Where have you been? Why haven’t I met you yet?” a classic re-visited with such sincerity. Puppy dog eyes and all.

And finally, though my costume was not the most original, I thought hey, who doesn’t like a nurse in a tube dress and red stilettos? So I ask a boy I like if he liked my costume: “was cute” unenthusiastic shoulder shrug. Not really the reaction a girl hopes for, but a nice adjective.

Bebe-la-la

Under the heading “I can’t believe I’m having this conversation”. Logistical phone call before 1^st date confirming where and when to meet with a man that can only be described as LL Cool J’s twin. Seriously. He says out of the blue: “do you want children? When?”. Kinda heavy question from a strange man, but out of politeness I give my standard messaging: “of course. When I meet the right man.”. I can hear him nodding. Then his follow-up question hits me: “would your parents be opposed to you having a mixed-race baby?”. Ummm yeah that really just happened. “Of course not,” I say. This seems pre-mature. Thinking before we plan our lives together we can go see the movie.

So really the next date should not have come as a surprise. I’m explaining to him that while I have a good job, I live alone so I’m responsible for the mortgage, bills etc. He is nodding thoughtfully. “I’ll move in with you!!! I love it here!”. Ummmm... I don’t think we are quite ready for co-habitation yet.

Fast forward a few dates... we are walking my dog through my cookie-cutter suburban neighbourhood. “What are you waiting for!!” he exclaims, while waving his arms about, “you live in the perfect place to raise kids!!”. Me: “well I kinda have to find a man first....”. “You have me!!! Let’s get started right now!!” as he pulls me by the arm towards home. Okay, now I’m actually panicking a little because he is dead serious in impregnating me this afternoon. He continues: “our child would be attractive, except for the bad hair” (very true. Both our curly hairs together may result in a hair nightmare). “Yes, she would have problems,” I agree. He stops dead in his tracks turns and looks at me with the puppy dog face and says: “she??? Not a boy???”. Really, now we are arguing over the sex of our imaginary child with a man who isn’t even my boyfriend. I think I have a headache tonight.