Ze truth

One of my favourite boys that I think of fondly, without murderess thoughts or raging regret, is my fun-French-fling. He was dreamy. He had a sexy accent, education, cool clothes, fast car, was tall and could pull-off a scarf in summer in a manly way. I was rambling about my clothes, hair, nails or something that costs me a ton of money and time. Instead of bashing me as most un-informed men would - lets not pretend that being a girl doesn’t require a ridiculous amount of maintenance – I digress. He looked me straight in the eye and with his sexy accent said: “you’re not high maintenance. You just take care of yourself”. Boom. Truer words I have never heard. This man got women. I loved him just a little at that moment.

Does this look like the Olive Garden?

This is first in a series of posts about men who ask / demand me to cook for them. Let me be clear. I am not averse to cooking for my man. In fact, I can be highly domesticated when motivated. The better part of my adult life has been spent packing lunches, making dinners and throwing dinner parties in the name of love.

No love here, but the hope of love, so really almost better than love. After what can only be described as a typical, relatively unexciting, weeknight date I start to yawn. Then, exaggeratingly yawn coupled with: “boy I’m beat! Long day ahead at work tomorrow” (hint, the date is over buddy time to go home). Slow or unwillingly to take the hint, boy is invited to sleepover. Key word here being sleep.

2am I am wrenched from my beauty sleep by tossing and turning.

“Ok?” I say (totally annoyed. If you couldn’t sleep at least have the decency to stay very very still as I was sleeping soundly. Thank you).

“I’m hungry.”

Silence (so what do you want me to do about it).

“Do you have any meat and pasta???”

“I have snacks. Go ahead and look in the kitchen.”

‘No, I’m REALLY hungry. I need meat and pasta to fill me up. I’m not going to be able to sleep until I eat something heavy” (it is now clear to me he wants ME to GET UP and go into the kitchen at 2am on a weeknight to make him a goddamn Sunday dinner).

“Then you should probably go home.”

And he did. Last date. I should have known when on the fist date he exclaimed: “when are you going to cook like that for me woman?!.” Red flag! Red flag!

Muppet, not a man

Boy meets girl. Boy asks girl on date. Yummy Thai dinner. Earth doesn’t move, but meh. I could do that again. It wouldn’t kill me. He was nice. I remind myself, nice is good.

Boy asks girl on second date. Classic movie date. PG13. No brainer. Seriously. 12 year old boys pull this night off with ease. What could possibly go wrong? Well.

Scene: giddily holding hands at the ticket booth all ready to pay the $19.90 for two.

Boy: glances at girl, “you’re gonna get that, RIGHT.” (walks away)

Girl: stunned silence. Followed by shock and awe while paying. Girl looks around. Did anyone else just hear that shit?

Wisely, he did not ask for popcorn.

And the girl's desire to ever let the boy touch her that night vanishes. It’s not that she paid. I’m all for equality and paying my own way. It’s that he didn’t even bother to ask. There was no request. No: “I got dinner last date, do you mind getting this?”; or “my dog ate my wallet, can you get this?” He stated.

That small monetary gesture would have gone a long way to the girl believing she was with a gentleman (and maybe to him getting more than a stiff hug at the end of the night) but I digress.