It's not me. It's the car.

*Soooo I’m kinda behind in blogging, so for me, let’s just pretend it’s summer, just for a second. Okay. Thanks. So I just bought a brand new shiny red sports car. Very red. I feel very fast and the furious in it. Except it’s the suburbs. Mini-vans are the enemy. Strange things have been happening. At first just little things. Men blatantly checking me out at red lights. Old men, young men, it didn’t matter. Men waving at me at red lights. FYI that’s kinda uncomfortable. I started to wonder. Is summer making men crazy? Is this a new way to pick-up? Am I just looking damn fine? Huh. But then this happened. I’m minding my own business at a red light when some random guy hollers at me: “hey sexy” (yeah I looked). A few cars over 4 guys are all giving me the hey, hey head nod. The guy who I assume was “the leader” due to his white tank top and the toothpick in his mouth (seriously): “hey babe, you’re looking reallll sexy”. Hot Spanish accent (I can’t make this shit up really). “Can I get your number,” said through toothpick. I take the easy way out, *smile*: “sorry I have a boyfriend”. “That’s cool. I have a girlfriend. He doesn’t have to know,” knowing grin. Laughter. Green light. Fast forward to me getting into my car in the movie theatre parking lot one night. Some random guy appears out of nowhere smiling like he knows me. He does not. “Hey there, I saw you getting into your car (car being the key word here. Like a moth to a flame I swear), liked the way you looked, and decided to be social” (wow). “I wanted to ask you to a movie, but looks like you are leaving. Do you want to have coffee with me sometime?’’. A movie date invite in the parking lot. Now that’s speed dating. I politely decline. The way I see it, this little story could have gone one of two ways. It’s a totally romantic story we tell our grandkids one day OR I’m next weeks cautionary tale on Dateline, my friend guiltily sobbing for leaving me alone. It’s like I’m driving around in my fav lil red dress. Men can’t help but look. She’s my wing car.

Let's talk about dating baby. Let's talk about you and me

Finance guy summed-up what I’ve been thinking lately: why is it is so easy for most people? You meet, fall in love, get married and have kids. Done! Romantic comedy stuff. But why is it so hard for others? He was so sincere I’m willing to forget some of the more ridiculous things he said that night. Word to the wise, never lead off a bbm convo at 3am with: “where’s the love. Can I come over”. I digress.

The game has changed. Girls are confused. Seemingly harmless words such as “date”, “like” and “exclusive” panic normal well-adjusted men. We never know where we stand. The lines are so blurry they pretty much don’t exist. Shit, it’s just a steak dinner, not an offer to father our children. Calm the eff down. When did “expectations” become a bad word that strikes fear into the hearts of men?

You have a better chance of finding Gucci heels on sale (If you do, please let me know where), than getting a boy to take you on a date, or ADMIT it is a date for that matter. That would create “expectations” *boy shudder*. (FYI if you are paying for the movie and we are sharing a desert it is a date). So here’s the problem that starts and ends with a bottle or two of wine: how do you get to know someone if you actually don’t do “stuff” together like say eating, a sport, an activity? (FYI a 2 hour convo at a party does not count as a date, and no I am not going home with you. You're a stranger buddy).

So I asked a man what he actually thought about this whole dating thing. Let’s keep an open mind here. I’ll call it man musings:

“The effort you get is the effort you command,” says my man source. Know your worth and don’t settle for less than you deserve. I’m not talking lavish gifts here, but respect, equality; generally caring about our well-being would be nice.

We have to try and let go of our shitty past relationships and all of the mind-effing that’s got us on edge. Boyfriend bonfire that baggage. As much as we like to say it, not ALL men are alike. Some are nice. I’ve met one I swear. Or was that a movie? Whatever. Anything is possible. My man source says men feel like they spend a ton on dinner and only get a kiss because she has not moved past the last guy who likely screwed her over (I added that last part). So men become a little less keen on dates. Hard to tell when women will actually appreciate the gesture.

Finally, man source says some women seem to want a boyfriend just to have a boyfriend. Cuz well, all their friends do. Men are concerned that women just want to change them. Women want “trainable men”. A boyfriend is not like a job, like a pet. A boyfriend is not malleable he says. Okay, we’ve all been guilty of this at some point. We think he is “almost” our perfect guy if only he loved dancing, cooking for me and dressed better. As much as we want men to accept us for ourselves lets do them the same favour. Besides aren’t relationships supposed to be about comprise? He can’t cook but he does the dishes, shirtless lets say. Doesn’t sound bad to me.

I swear they "seem" normal

Week 1: 1^st date attempt – cocky guy

So boy suggests an 8pm Tuesday date. Sounds good.

Date day. Late afternoon I finally have the chance to put down my work bb and check my personal bb. Many many new messages greet me.

Boy text #1: “hey so u said 5-5:30 might be better for u. If I’m running a bit late I’ll let u know.”

Hmmmmm no. As “I” never said that I’m going assume that he is confusing me with another girl. Two dates in the same night. Well that’s ambitious.

Two hours later he “attempts” to back pedal: “for some reason I think one of ur messages is missing from my phone”.  Well that’s convenient. And highly unlikely. This is then followed by a series of 6 texts over the next 30 minutes.

Boy text point finale: “if I don’t hear back from u soon I’ll assume we’re not going out.”  An ultimatum. Just what every girl wants to hear 3 days after meeting someone. For the record it is Tuesday. I am at work. Working. I don’t always have the time to check my personal bb. Reasonable non? No date.

Week 2: 1^st date attempt – clingy guy

This text 4 days after meeting sets the stage: “wow no text for me do I have to text u first everyday”. I understand. I mean, we have known each other for 4 days. We’ve never had a date. Never had a real convo. Shit is getting serious. Obviously I’ve neglected our blossoming relationship. And puhleeez stop asking me for pics. Frankly it’s creeping me out thinking what you are doing with them. A few days later: “I will not continue to text u if really want to get to know me u will start texting me or call me”. Huh. Fair. No date.

So two ultimatums in two weeks. From virtual strangers. Is it me? Am I emotionally unavailable? So here’s the dilemma. If a girl texts too much, she’s needy and men run for the hills real fast. If a girl doesn’t text enough, she’s not interested and doesn’t care. Huh.

Don't call me maybe at 3am

First some context. So I have this ex. We broke-up when he moved to further his career. As he is a recurring character, lets call him Finance Guy. Inevitably, he comes home once a month to see his family and friends. Long story short. I have attempted over many years, not months, YEARS, to get him to understand that booty calling me at 2:30am every month a) doesn’t constitute a “visit”, b) is not a relationship and c) really pisses me off. See me during normal people hours and then maybe, just maybe, I will want to see you at 2am buddy. Seriously, this is not a difficult concept. What he has yet to grasp is the longer the booty calls continue the more resolved I grow not to see him. I’m not the type to be worn down. Anyways. What follows is an approximate transcript of one of our recent bbm convos. You’ll get the drift. He did not. Again. Years. Like years I tell you.

Boy 2:25am: are u out?

Girl 2:26am: no, not tonight

2:27: i wanna see u

        come get me

2:28: we’ve talked about this.

2:29: i wanna see u

        come get me

(sigh obviously drunk. It’s like the groundhog day of booty calls. This is usually the point when I get annoyed. He’s kinda bossy no? I WAS sleeping quite nicely. Thank you)

2:30: come get me

         call me

         c'mon u know i love uu

         come get me

         call me

(so this is new. Pulling out the big guns. Damn him. I start to soften). I call him. No answer. Probably because he is sending me another message. I leave a vm.

2:32: come get me

         I love u

2:34: call me

        I love u

2:35: call me

On and on until I eventually fall asleep. He never did call. This will be an interesting convo when he sobers up tomorrow. Seems he is very interested in a loving relationship between the hours of 2 and 5am only. Until next visit Finance Guy.

If he builds it... well...

A few dates in with a hot former Army man we go out for beers and wings which escalates into shots and some very bad karaoke on both our parts. Why I always think I know all of the words to Hotel California I’ll never know. Anyways. Everything is just clicking. Sparks are flying. There’s magic in the air etc. (insert any cliché here). So much so he turns to me and says very seriously: “is this a date? Because I don’t go on dates. (dramatic pause) This is a pretty amazing date”. Agreed.

He walks me to my car. There’s a chill in the air. Not another soul around but us. We pause in an embrace. He glances at my hand as I jingle the keys: “you know what that means don’t you?” he says (of course, I’ve seen Hitch). I laugh. “Say it,” he says. But before I can he is kissing me. Very romantic comedy. That is until a homeless man interrupts us asking for change. “You’ve got to be kidding me!” We laugh.

...And so we are at my place. He asks what’s in the dusty boxes pilled in the living room. I tell him they are my future IKEA TV stand (lets not talk about how long they were there). “Let’s build it!” he says enthusiastically (now he has joined the ranks of a very long line of men who never fulfilled their promise to help me build the TV stand. This includes my father). I tell him no worries, but he is insistent that it will be fun. So we spend the next 6 hours and a few more the next morning clutching an allen key and trying to decipher the directions of a Swedish stick man with no words. I am literally floored when I finally see my TV at eye level. I thank him, okay I gush profusely. He waves off my thanks insisting it was fun. Best. Date. Ever.

...And then I never hear from him again. Ever.

As my friend so accurately stated: “I wouldn’t build a TV stand for someone I didn’t like”. Hell, I’d be hard pressed to build one for someone I do like. Is this the basic difference between men and women? Men can act like you have a future together, get all comfy in your house, drink your tea, sleep in your bed and walk away without a thought? Disappear into the mist without a teeny tiny twinge of guilt?

Is it truly a leap of faith every time we take what a boy is saying at face value? Will Smith did not warn us of this. Rant over.

I like to think of my TV stand as a date parting gift. A take-away. A consolation prize. Really not all that bad.

Aye papi!!

So I’m out salsa dancing one night. I end up dancing the night away with a guy who was unanimously declared to be the “hottest guy in the club” and a helluva little dancer. So I didn’t hesitate the next weekend when he asked me out dancing. If nothing else I’ll get some good cardio. Win win really. Very gentleman-like he gives me a call before the date.

Boy: “I have a surprise for you!” he says excitedly.

Girl: “Really? Wow that’s so nice. I can’t wait.”

Boy: “you’re REALLY going to love it. It’s a surprise.”

So in my head I’m thinking flowers, candy, something small. I mean we just met. Nice gesture. Unexpected. I smile.

Fast forward to that night in line for coat check.

Boy: “do you want your surprise?” he’s smiling like the Cheshire cat.

Girl: “of course.” By now I’m pretty damn curious, and have consulted all my friends as to what it could be.

He reaches in his coat and pulls out a manila envelope. Hmmmm... that’s odd. Definitely not flowers.

Boy: “you’re going to REALLY love it!”

So I reach in and slowly pull out a photo. Puzzling. Then... I see my surprise.. Specifically, it’s an 8/10 glossy photo of my first date in a teeny tiny red speedo all greased-up and shiny flexing in a body building pose. I blush. My mind is literally blank. Shock and awe has new meaning. Shove it back into the envelope. We have an audience.

Boy: `do you like your surprise!?” he says excitedly and expectantly.

Shit. I’ve got to say something here. Wtf do you say when your first date gives you a glamour shot? This is weird right? Girl: ``ummm.. yes it`s great. Great photo.”

No doubt the man was seriously buff. Like yikes. He had a right to be proud. Just tooooo much. Tooooo soon.

That WAS a surprise.

Treat me like a lady. I'll treat you like a man.

Please refer to “Muppet not a man” post for context. Just makes this date all the more ridiculous.

Scene: Same theatre. Same pay machine. First date. Two tickets have been selected and the $20 total is on the screen. No one makes a move. Blank staring at the total. Not looking at each other. No moves for wallet or purse. Silence. Then awkward silence. Serious déjà vu here.

Girl: “so.... are we going to pay?”

Boy: “well ummm... (clearing of throat) uhhhh... sometimes I guess, sometimes I treat, but uhh well... (more clearing of throat and obvious forced awkward slow motion move to remove wallet).

Girl: “ we’ll split it,” said flatly while hitting the cancel button. No male protesting. Thought. Seems to me that the FIRST DATE would be the time to treat? Startegic even no? Why punch in two tickets? Obviously one total implies one payer.

Benefit of the doubt. Maybe he’s broke, and that was his absolute last $10. He’d scrapped together all the change in the sofa cushions because he really wanted to see me. That theory goes out the window as I watch him spend $30 on various junk foods for himself. “I’m soooo hungry. You’re not hungry are you?” Really?

And mid-movie...

Boy: “Any frozen yogurt left?”

Girl: “Nope, you ate it.” Yeah, I ate it. It only seemed fair really.

And post-movie...

Boy: “so it’s early, I can go to your place.”

Girl: “no thanks.”

Boy: “you like sleeping alone, don’t you.”

Girl: “I do.” Can you believe this guy?

PS. just read this article when I got home from the date. Alone. This passage seemed topical: “..perhaps there are qualities of the old-fashioned manly man to be salvaged. Chivalry, courage, strength, generosity, protectiveness and decisiveness”.